of running away

EDIT: you are under no obligation to read this... it's more of a straight-up blog post than the mundane goings on here in Iowa.

For the first time in my life, I actually left.

I am fine, I'm not  hurt or anything, nothing else but emotionally/mentally. But it's alright, again, nothing really major. I'll survive. I just really needed time and space away from everyone and everything there. I hated leaving Jan, because I didn't want to hurt anything about our relationship together, but I just couldn't stay. I don't know how things will be when I go back, but I can't really say that I care.

The long and short of it is that Jan and I were enjoying some otter pops and just hanging out on the front porch and Jim started getting into depths about work and the farm and such. It was kinda awkward, as per usual, and as per usual, I wasn't very comfortable with how things were going, but I was putting up with it anyway and just sitting there and continued to be polite. Then he mentioned something about how the main reason why this guy from the chamber of commerce wanted to get me involved with the community and working here had to be because was because I was a young female. I didn't understand what he meant. I mean, coming from a college town, I'm surrounded by guys who just want to hook up with a girl for the night and move on with their lives like nothing happened. So I figured it must just be that this town is supposedly void of attractive young women? But why should that matter? Why does that give me reason to stay? Are there not any young women in this town? I mean, there are young families? What? Is it a bad thing that young women my age are moving to big cities or going places to get jobs or moving for family or getting married or just traveling? Jim said it was because I was not just a sexual object, but that the people in this town deserved to be treated to an attractive young woman staying in the area to work (what with no prospects of a real relationship herself? and just guys having full permission to gawp at her? sounds awesome...) and that was wanted... and then went on to school me about how the "reality of civilization" is that so many country girls were going to colleges in the big cities, getting "used" by city boys who only wanted them there for that, and dumping them when they were finished, and then proceeded to tell me that I would have no idea what that was like. Only, he wasn't clean about his choice of words and they did not come out in a polite matter, much less a decent tone.

I told him not to try to school me, that I didn't appreciate him speaking to me that way and do not want him to ever speak to me in that way or about such things ever again because he has no idea the things I've been through in my life and he has no place to speak of things that he has no idea.

edited for content

I realized what I should do. Just go to Nancy's. It wasn't too much farther down the road, so I turned away from the park and headed to the house.

After composing myself a bit, I walked in the side door of the garage and parked my bike before walking inside. I saw Rachel first, so I said hi, and asked her if her mom was home. Yeah, somewhere, probably downstairs, lol. Then I saw Rose and John. Rose is still in town to get some other details with the house figured out. Then they asked me how I was and when I started talking, I just started crying. Rose beckoned me to join her over on a chair, so I just collapsed into one and cried. I was just so stressed. So tired. So exhausted. So disgusted. So frustrated.

Rose, John, Nancy and I talked for over an hour about how everything is going down, and how much stress is being put on me. They pulled out some bedding for me to borrow for the rest of my stay here and gave me a few bottles of water to take with me. Rachel bounded about telling us about her computer game and asking me if I was going to spend the night. Nancy made me some food and we talked some more. After awhile more of discussion about the whole thing of me being here and working the farm and getting my college credits and how much of the massive amounts of work and stress are being shoved in my direction, we managed to sum things up and went downstairs to just relax, bum out and watched an episode of The Bachelorette, while I snuggled with Love Kitty (one of their cats, and yes, that's her name).

As it happens, because I rode my bike and the late hour, and such, I'll just be staying the night here. Nancy said that I am more than welcome to stay and come over whenever I want or need to. She also wanted to make sure that I was getting properly fed over there and that if I wasn't she'd help me figure things out.

They were all really kind, and it was good to just talk to them about the whole ridiculousness that is the farm situation and everything that is going on with it, and all my work going into it, and all the work that is being expected of me and everything else.

Earlier today wasn't as dramatic (lol, I guess if you want to call it that). Got up late because I'd stayed up late instant messaging with my friends, Zach and Zach (lol). Then I cleaned my room - it'd gotten a bit disorganized from the long work day on Saturday and then all the time I spent away from my room on Sunday. Talked with Jim some about some farm stuff. Talked with Jan about a few things. Went back up to my room. Watched the rain. Wanted to go outside. Went outside. Came back in. Noticed it'd stopped raining, wanted to go for a run, but didn't want to get super sweaty. Went for a long bike ride instead, came back over an hour later and had some shrimp, but really wanted salad, sadly there was none. Went back up to my room, noticed that Rachel and Rose just drove up so I went down to say hi, jump on the trampoline a bit with Rachel and have some watermelon with them.

Hopefully things will go better from here out and I can actually plan things and get at least something done while I'm here. Here's to hoping and praying that tomorrow will be a better day.

1 comment:

  1. and call me, we should talk... i'm sorry today was so rotten. :(